...awake until almost 2 am...

so last night was rough getting to sleep... and around 1:15 mom was texting me and she suggested just typing up on in my notes on my phone what was on my mind and then putting my phone down and going to sleep. and it worked... here is what I came up with last night.... I was typing it as if I was writing up a blog post... and so I'm sharing it here today with my readers. :) I hope your Tuesday is amazing.

I honestly don't know why I have to be awake at 1:16 am on a TUESDAY morning. I have school tomorrow and then a MPE grad meeting, which I'm dreading. I want to graduate yes, but having to go to these meetings and step out of my comfort zone is hard. I'm so tired... I can feel it in my eyes... Why am I not asleep? Is it because I drank that soda from Quik Trip? Is it because Ebola is lurking out in MY country and sadly I can't control it and so therefore it's giving me a panic attack? Is it a combo of those things and more? I've been feeling like things have been crawling all over me.... Probably my nerves because I'm stressed out.

I want to trust God. I WANT to. I'm TRYING to. It's so hard. I feel so human right now. So raw. And I feel like I can't even feel the "right" feelings I should be feeling with my heart right now. (Do I make any sense ever.....) God has my future all laid out for me... And I can't do anything about the future right now. All I can do right now is trust, pray, and take care of my body. Ebola will probably never get me or any of my family members... Right? I hope it won't. *cringe* I'm so tired... And tomorrow will be long. Very long. But I'm gonna get through it. God will help me. I have to tell myself these things sometimes because they don't come over me in my feelings... I just have to speak truth to myself and try to believe it. Am I weird? Am I the only one who works this way? What is wrong with me... I'm some weirdo I'm sure...

 

What is it about Mondays...they are the worst.

 

Oh and then I found out that a very close family member broke her leg today and my heart feels heavy for them right now. They don't need that right now... Things are busy and hectic for them... But everything happens for a reason. And God, You've got this one too.

 

God, You actually have the whole world in your hands and you're going to take care of your people. You're gonna take care of me. You're gonna help me. You're going to love me; you're going to give me the grace and help I need; you're in control of my future and my present and my everything. And you'll be faithful...So faithful to the end.

 

The words to a favorite song that I love singing with all my heart... When I'm feeling afraid, full of uncertainty... And it goes on to say, He will be faithful to the end. He will provide time and time again. And he will be faithful, so faithful to the end. He will be there when all else fades, his love is stronger than my pain, and he will be faithful, so faithful to the end.... I've learned that I can TRUST HIM...

 

I love You Jesus. I Know you know my heart and are right here with me tonight. And I'm so thankful for that.

*On a side note, I feel like I almost don't know how I feel about Ebola right now... like it's unknown and scary to me, and I'm just not sure how to feel about it. but it is a very scary thing...